


Swamped at Christmas

by enchantment



Series: Super Fiends [3]
Category: Legion of Doom, Super Friends (DCU Cartoons)
Genre: Family, Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27804442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enchantment/pseuds/enchantment
Summary: The Legion’s been busier than normal this year and Lex has yet to appoint the host for the annual Christmas party.  Things are sure to liven up when a certain member of the living dead is chosen for the post.
Relationships: Riddler / Poison Ivy
Series: Super Fiends [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1654300
Kudos: 4





	Swamped at Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Notes: From what I could find online, the version of Giganta on the Super Friends, and not her comic book canon persona, only had the origin that was mentioned in the cartoon episode, History of Doom. And although Black Manta first appeared in a 1967 Aquaman comic book, his origin wasn’t truly defined until 1993. Because of this, I gave myself some leeway to create bits of their past for this story. Just a reminder, Brainiac’s pet mouse was introduced in Birds Of A Feather Flock Together and the Toyman of this era was Jack Nimball.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own anything in relation to the Challenge of the Super Friends, the Munsters, the Charlie Brown Christmas special, Star Wars and Coca-Cola.

Having drawn the shortest straw, Giganta is the first to enter the meeting hall within the Hall of Doom in order to face this year’s Christmas decorations. Eyeing the ancient gnarled tree in the corner adorned with both ornaments and the skeleton of a pirate roped around it, she muses, “Interesting, are the Munsters coming to visit?” 

“Is it safe to come in?” questions the Riddler. “I couldn’t tell by the reference, I love that show!” He pokes his head through the doorway and catches sight of moss garlands strung along the walls. “How was Solomon Grundy chosen again? I thought we were rigging the host drawings after last time.” 

Lex Luthor follows him inside and grimaces in distaste when he notices a racoon hiding underneath the Christmas tree. “Wonderful, I hope you’re all up to date on your tetanus shots.” He rubs at the bridge of his nose to ward off his impending headache. “I’m afraid this is all my fault, I gave him free reign for the party.” 

Cheetah spins around to face Lex, her expression radiating her sheer disbelief. “What on Earth would cause you to do that?” 

Lex shakes his head as if he couldn’t believe his own actions. “He was carrying in the machinery that I needed for the upgrade on the Legion computers when we came across the file detailing his life as Cyrus Gold. Grundy told me that it had been so long since he had been mortal that he couldn’t remember what Christmas meant. It was rather heartbreaking.” He gave a helpless shrug. “I decided to throw him a bone.” 

Cheetah and Captain Cold share a confused glance. “That…doesn’t sound like you, Luthor,” remarks Cheetah in bewilderment. 

Lex growls irritably at the memory. “He was also bothering me and I just wanted him to go away!” 

Captain Cold chuckles knowingly. “Okay, now that sounds like you.” 

Lex gazes down at the evenly placed skulls with candy canes sticking out of the cracks on top sitting along the conference table. “At least it’s not Bizarro this year. Remember that Bizarros believe that trash is the equivalent of wealth? When it was his turn, the Hall of Doom looked like the city dump for a week before we cleaned everything out.” He scans the group in attendance. “Speaking of Bizarro, where is he?” 

Cheetah squints up at the ceiling in suspicion as she replies, “He’s off with Grundy, helping him gather the rest of our gifts. Incidentally, did anyone bother to tell him that mistletoe isn’t made of real toes?” 

A growl in the corner of the room draws everyone’s attention prompting Sinestro to fly over and investigate. Viewing the scene below him with widened eyes, he quickly uses his ring to create a force field as he warns the others. “I’d stay away from the traditional yule log if I were you. It seems our favorite alligator is still clutching it.” 

Scarecrow peruses the refreshment table and rears back at some of the dishes on display. “He can’t be any more dangerous then Solomon’s kill du ‘jour. Is anyone brave enough to try some…food?” 

“I don’t think so,” replies Captain Cold after scrutinizing the platter in front of him. “If I remember correctly, this chased me up a tree last week.” He straightens up and gives a shudder. “I was definitely the more tempting of the two.” 

Gorilla Grodd watches in morbid curiosity as the punch bowl bubbles and pops while producing steam in simulation of a real marsh. “I was raised in a jungle and even I find this disgusting.” 

“Oh, I don’t know, it doesn’t look so bad,” pronounces Riddler after giving it a stir with the ladle and bringing it up to his nose for a quick sniff before pouring it back in the bowl. “I wonder who’s in it?” 

As a quiet hush falls over the room while Grundy’s festive efforts are discovered with growing dismay, Scarecrow is the first to take notice of the music piping through the Hall’s speaker system. “Is that Blue Bayou?” he questions with a sigh. “I told him Blue Christmas.” 

“Nice follow up there, Straw Head,” mocks Captain Cold. “I suppose this means we’ll also be listening to White Zombie instead of White Christmas?” 

“Or maybe we’ll gather around the Christmas tree listening to his rendition of the nineteenth century poem he was named after?” wonders Giganta. She begins to quote, “Solomon Grundy, born on a Monday…” 

Toyman scouts the room in obvious disappointment. “I missed the Charlie Brown Christmas Special for this?” 

“Blast it, Brainiac!” shouts Black Manta. “I told you to quit following me!” 

The android disregards his request and continues to keep pace with him as he reasons, “I do not understand why you are angry with me. Luthor assigned me the task of taking candid photographs of this year’s Christmas party.” 

“Not in the bathroom!” he hisses as he passes Scarecrow and Captain Cold. 

The Captain turns to his teammate and inquires, “Hey, Jonathan, why so glum?” 

“I was just reflecting on that Christmas used to be the busiest time of year for my psychology practice. Did you know that the pressure and loneliness of the holiday season would bring the most depraved and mentally deranged cases into my presence? The sessions would last for hours.” He looks around and considers the company he now keeps with his fellow Legion members. “I miss that.” He casually flicks his hand towards the Captain. “You, on the other hand, don’t seem to be missing out on anything. At least not well-wishes. That was quite an armful of mail that you came in with earlier. All Christmas cards, I assume?” 

“Yeah, but only half of them were for me, the rest were for Mr. Freeze. I’m going to have to go back out later and forward them to him.” He growls slightly in frustration. “I don’t understand how people keep confusing us! Is it the way I talk, the way I dress? Maybe I need some public relations, some incredible scheme that nobody has ever done before!” He considers the possibilities for a moment. “What do you think? What would be the most amazing crime that I could commit?” 

The mouth of Scarecrow’s mask twists into a wry grin. “Oh, I don’t know, Len. Possibly one that you could actually pull off?” 

The glare that he aims at the Scarecrow should have frozen him in place. “That’s cold, man, even for me.” 

“Heh, heh, heh,” he laughs cheekily. “True, true, but it still won’t match the chill that’s occurring over there,” he observes as he points out Toyman chasing after Cheetah. 

She’s trying to ignore him while she decides whether to simply throw out the food platters or release them back into the swamp when Toyman croons in her ear, “I bought this for you.” 

Her shoulders slump in resignation as she regrets her promise to avoid any bloodshed tonight. After viewing the Christmas décor, she doesn’t think anyone would have noticed. She turns to face him, her tone wary. “What is it?” 

He whips out a hand-sized box from behind his back and gives it a little shake before presenting it to her. “For you, my sweet! A small token of my affection,” he pops off the lid, “a Cheetara action figure from the Thundercats!” His expression becomes dreamy-eyed as he shares, “She was my favorite.” 

Cheetah takes note of the Cheetah pattern imprinted on the plastic figure. _That explains a lot._

“I modified the figure so when you push the button on her back, she’ll run at top speed.” He releases a high-pitched laugh of delight. “She reminds me of you.” 

“And why is that, Jack? Because as fast as she runs, she’d never be rid of you?” 

He advances a step closer, his expression and body language exuding seduction. “Exactly.” 

She rolls her eyes and averts her gaze in hopes that when she looks back, he’ll be gone. She glances back. _No such luck._

“Well?” he demands, drawing her attention back to him. “Isn’t there something that you want to give me?” He puckers his lips for a kiss. When she merely continues to give him a bland stare, he tries another tactic. “Then is there at least something that you want to say?” 

“Yes, there is,” she affirms as she trails her fingers along his jaw as she sashays past him. “Goodbye.” 

He’s rendered motionless by her touch for only a few moments before he spins around to follow at her heels. “I love a good chase!” he squeals with glee. 

Riddler chuckles softly and calls out to Toyman as he runs past him. “Jack, you may be a Nimball, but you’ll never be that quick!” He returns to scrolling through his most recent text messages and emails. Looking off to the side, he sees that Brainiac is still watching him with a blank-eyed stare. “Either take my picture or take me to dinner.” 

“I do not ingest nutrients, only knowledge,” he states as he circles the villain in search of the best angle. 

“Apparently, you can’t take jokes either,” he huffs in exasperation. 

“You appear to be in distress,” observes Brainiac. “Do you require me to find someone of less importance to assist you?” 

Riddler grins widely at the casual remark that is so typical of the android. “I appreciate the concern but I’m just waiting for a very important message.” He continues to scroll through his phone as he mentions, “I’ve also received another dismissal letter from Gotham City Hall regarding my complaint about the plutonium plant’s location being too close to the swamp.” A soft click is heard as a scowl flashes across his face. “I’m tired of the constant stream of radiation tests to see if we’re going to start lighting up like a glow stick! If the Super Friends had any sense, they’d stop chasing us and go after the politicians. The only true crime in these parts is the zoning laws!” 

A small chime suddenly rings out from the Riddler’s phone alerting him to his long-awaited missive. After a thorough read, he quickly excuses himself. “Forgive me for missing out on the rest of our photo shoot but I have a date with someone who makes me glow from the inside without any effort at all.” 

Brainiac’s computer mind quickly calculates the data and warns, “That is a sign of severe radiation poisoning. Both of you should be treated immediately.” 

Riddler dismisses his concern with a wave of his hand as he walks away. “No worries on that end, we both use protection.” 

Brainiac accesses his memory banks to recall their conversation verbatim and concludes, “Obviously not enough.” 

Rushing over to the computer console and shoving Lex out of the way, Riddler starts typing away while asking, “Any transmissions come in yet? I’m waiting for an encoded transmission from Pammy, we’re going to meet up later after the party.” He shakes his head in bemusement. “If I’d known how tonight was going to turn out, I would’ve scheduled our tête-à-tête during the party.” 

Lex gives a frustrated huff. “Look Ed, I know that you and Ivy have been going at it hot and heavy since Penguin’s wedding but you need to start playing it cool before you end up embarrassing yourself.” 

Riddler merely gives an indignant grunt as Captain Cold poses, “Poison Ivy is well known for her ability to influence and control people. Maybe he’s under her spell.” 

Lex snorts out a laugh. “More like under her thumb.” 

The chime from the computer console signals an incoming transmission which immediately takes away Riddler’s attention for a brief conversation with Ivy. Lex sends a glare Riddler’s way as he and Ivy exchange farewells. “Finally!” he gripes as he passes a dreamy-eyed Riddler. “It figures that it would take a _seedy_ character to draw Poison Ivy’s attention.” 

Captain Cold raises his eyebrows in surprise at the unwarranted remark. “Jealous, Lex?” 

Lex barks out a laugh. “Hardly! I simply have much more important matters for the Legion computers to handle.” 

He watches the screen as Lex types in his commands. “You’re checking your banking records during the Christmas party? I mean…sure, it’s Grundy’s turn to host but still… 

Lex’s trademark smirk appears as he continues to make his entries. “Nothing so mundane, I assure you. I’m just making a quick transfer of funds.” 

The Captain steps closer as he scrutinizes the accounts that Lex creates, one after another at various banks. “It seems like you’re setting up for quite a few transfers. Anything we should know about?” he inquires with a knowing gaze. 

“Don’t worry, Len,” he assures with a grin. “I’m not holding out on the Legion, this particular dealing is personal.” He catches sight of Captain Cold’s smug expression and rolls his eyes and gives a sigh of exasperation. “It’s for my sister.” 

“It’s for Lena? Hey, I didn’t know that you two reunited, that’s great!” he congratulates wholeheartedly. “When did this happen?” 

Lex grimaces, before continuing with his work. “It hasn’t…not yet. I’m not sure if it ever will. Lena Colby, nee _Thorul_ , thanks to my parents’ ever so creative imagination, still believes that I was killed in a mountaineering accident as a teenager. Since they died in a car accident, she was never told the truth.” He sighs in frustration. “I understand that they wanted to protect her from the shame of being Lex Luthor’s sister but because of it, she doesn’t even know that I exist, especially now when she needs me the most!” 

The Captain gives Lex’s shoulder a quick squeeze. “I’m sorry about your brother-in-law, Lex. I know being villains and all that none of us are overly fond of FBI agents but family’s family, right?” He gazes sympathetically at his old friend. “I know that the condolence card we slipped under your door wasn’t much but we didn’t want to suggest trying to pull anything that might get you into trouble or make things worse for Lena.” Lex halts his typing for a moment to look over at Captain Cold who gives a helpless shrug. “We just wanted to offer our support.” 

A small smile flashes across Lex’s face. “I appreciate that Len, I really do. That’s why I’m going to all the trouble to set up these fake accounts before depositing the funds into her bank. I’ve established a trust fund for both Lena and my nephew, Val. I want to make sure that she lives a comfortable life and that Val can attend the college of his choice.” His jaw tightens in determination. “Jeff did a fine enough job of providing for them but there are always things that come up! Medical emergencies, house and car repairs, expenses that are so unexpected…I merely want to make sure that all of their needs are met.” 

“You don’t have convince me, pal! Remember, I have a little sister too. And sure, the Top may be number one in Lisa’s eyes right now but I’m her big brother!” He pokes his thumb into his own chest. “I’m the guy who’s watched out for that kid since she was born and always will.” He leans back against the computer and crosses his arms over his chest in a huff. “I’m the guy who she goes crying to whenever they’ve had a fight or he’s been thrown back in the slammer. Fact is, it doesn’t matter who they love or who they marry, Lex. As their big brothers, it’s our job to take care of them.” 

Luthor mulls on those words for a few moments as memories of a little girl with a tearstained face reaching out for comfort from a scraped knee evokes his vow of always promising to take care of her. A final press of a computer key and Lex releases a wistful sigh. “Well, it’s done. The money’s been transferred and Lena will never know that it was from me.” 

He pats Lex on back. “She won’t, but you will and sometimes…sometimes, that has to be enough.” Lex gives a curt nod and Captain Cold asks, “Do you think that you’ll ever tell her that you’re alive, that she’s actually Lex Luthor’s sister?” 

Lex shakes his head ruefully. “It’s not likely, she was too young to even remember that she was a Luthor and she doesn’t need the added stress right now. Besides, I’ve even made a deal with the Devil himself to keep this secret.” 

“What? Is that Swamp Witch back?” he asks and Lex shakes his head in the negative. Len’s eyes widen in shock. “You mean, Superman?” When Lex simply nods, he gives a low whistle of appreciation. “Wow, you really do love your sister.” He suddenly releases a chuckle and snaps his fingers. “That reminds me, I have something for you from Toyman.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small piece of red kryptonite. “I don’t know how he knows this but he swears that the effects of this particular piece will cause Superman to become Superwoman.” 

Lex stares blankly down at the meteorite before looking back up at Captain Cold. “Seriously? That is so childish.” Then a huge grin spreads across his face. “I can’t wait to try it!” 

Brainiac passes by his two fellow members to stop before Toyman and Cheetah, staring at them intently. 

Cheetah lips curl up into an amused smile. “More pictures, Brainiac?” 

“It is my designated duty for the evening,” he promptly responds. 

“Excellent!” cries Toyman as he throws his arm around Cheetah and draws her close to his side. “We’re ready my good man, er…android, take our picture!” 

“As you wish,” the android acquiesces. “Cheetah, could you rearrange your features to display a little less disgust?” 

“No,” she bites out. 

“So be it, please say cheese.” He moves his head side to side to find the best angle. 

“Will you just blink and take the picture?” she growls impatiently. 

Brainiac blinks and a soft click is heard indicating that a successful photo has been taken and stored in his computer mind. Cheetah instantly starts to move away when Toyman hurriedly jerks her back to his side and makes a kissy face. “Now how about a picture to show the grandkids?” 

The android’s eyes widen and then emit a soft click as Toyman howls in pain. Cheetah smirks while Toyman holds his aching side that she elbowed to encourage him to release her. “Please tell me that you caught that. I heard the click but you didn’t blink.” 

“The image has safely downloaded into my computer memory and the blinking is not truly necessary, it is more for dramatic effect.” He turns to a disgruntled Toyman still rubbing his ribs. “You forgot to say cheese.” 

Grodd and Sinestro watch the trio with bland expressions before returning to setting up their chess game and simultaneously muttering, “Fools.” 

Sinestro nods approvingly as he examines the bishop in his hand. “This is an exquisite set of workmanship, Grodd. You say that they’re a gift from Giganta?” 

“Yes,” he notes as he sets up the rest of his side of the board, “and it was quite thoughtful of her. She obtained the wood from the Tamboti tree in my native Africa. The Tamboti is a tree with very unique properties. Crafted, it becomes some of the most luxurious furniture, turnery and curios. In its natural form, Tamboti’s underbark exudes a latex that at the very least causes irritation to the skin and eyes and at its worst is used as a fish or arrowhead poison.” 

“That explains why Toyman’s steered clear of your gift.” He chuckles appreciatively. “How very clever of her.” 

“I agree,” he shares with a deep chuckle of his own. “It’s harmless enough now but its sweet scent,” he takes a sniff of the air, “it reminds me of my homeland.” 

Sinestro’s brow scrunches in curiosity. “Do you miss Gorilla City very much?” 

He seems to consider this before answering, “Other than the consistent intellectual conversation and vast technological resources? No, not really. At least not the city, itself.” He breathes deeply and allows the Tamboti’s scent to envelop him. “However, the land outside the domed city, that I miss deeply in my heart.” Grodd’s eyes slowly close as his memory returns him to a time when he would wake up to an intense heat, even in the early hours of dawn, and to the sounds of rushing waterfalls and the rustling of the grass as the wind blows through the savannahs. “It was a perfect utopia.” 

Sinestro hums in consideration. “I can understand that. It’s similar to the reason that I left Qward.” 

Grodd eyes him skeptically. “Are you honestly comparing Qward to a utopia?” 

Sinestro throws his head back and laughs. “Hardly! Qward is ruthless, inhabited by those whose only survival instincts are greed and self-preservation.” He throws his hands up in the air. “Where’s the controversy? Who are you going to outmaneuver?” He places the rest of his pieces on the board. “At least here I have some challenge.” 

“The challenge of the Super Friends?” queries Grodd knowingly. 

“Exactly,” agrees Sinestro as he makes the first move. 

“Oh, good,” Giganta murmurs to herself, “he’s enjoying his gift.” 

Black Manta strolls over and notices Giganta’s reading material. “Just My Size catalog, hmmm? It’s never really _your_ size though, is it?” 

Giganta sighs softly and places the catalog on the table. “Sadly, no.” She looks over at the box in his hands as he sets it down between them. “What’s that?” 

“I brought out some movies that I thought we could all watch later.” He starts to sort them by their different genres and stack them into piles. 

Giganta’s gaze drifts off into space. “I love movies. When I was younger, I used to work as an extra while trying to find my big break. My specialty was horseback riding.” She digs into the box and starts to pick through the movies. “Incidentally, I was out working on a new riding routine the day that I came across Apache Chief and gained my powers.” She gives a hearty laugh. “I guess I made it big after all!” 

“Interesting,” he notes with absolute sincerity. “All this time and I never knew that about you.” He sifts through some of the movies and wonders, “I have several from that time period, is there any chance that I might have seen you in one of them?” 

“Only if you’ve suddenly developed x-ray vision to see through cowgirl hats pulled down way too low to cover my face or Star Wars head gear for the planet Hoth scenes.” Black Manta rears back in shock. “What?” she asks in amusement. “Someone had to ride those Ton-Tons.” 

Even through his helmet, she can tell that he’s clearly impressed. “Movies may have been your big chance at fame but they were outlets for my hopes and dreams. Money wasn’t very abundant when I was growing up so I lived vicariously through the elegance and luxury found in the movies. The old black and whites were the best, stories with small time hustlers with visions of wealth just out of reach so they worked schemes to gain themselves riches beyond their wildest dreams.” He releases a deep sigh. “At least when they did fail, they could still get the girl.” 

She smiles fondly at him. “It seems such a shame that you can’t seem to obtain either one.” 

“I know, right?” he responds while throwing his hands up in utter consternation. 

She rubs his back consolingly. “I agree with you about the classic black and whites. Do you have Sorrowful Jones or The Lemon Drop Kid?” 

The tone of his voice reflects the smile that she can’t see. “I never took you for a Damon Runyan fan,” he enthuses while passing her the movies in question. 

Giganta smiles wide while she looks over the movies’ covers. “I’m a huge fan of classics and these two are my favorites. A bunch of small-time crooks band together to help out a pal?” She scans the room watching her fellow members chat and laugh. “It reminds me a bit of this lot.” 

He stops looking through the box to stare at her. “This crew? Seriously?” 

“Absolutely, think about it!” The soft spot for her fellow members grows a little warmer as she watches their interactions. “I don’t see any of our family posting our bail or old friends coming to our aid against the Super Friends.” 

“That’s true,” he admits with a sigh. “And let’s not forget to mention that there’s nothing like pulling an all-nighter so you can plot the most villainous scheme of all time! There’s not a lot of people outside our line of work who appreciate that kind of enthusiasm for detail.” 

Black Manta turns his gaze to the rest of the room and he watches everyone converse with each other. He secretly smiles underneath his helmet as he realizes that it has never mattered where the Legion has had to be, whether it’s playing cards in a concrete room in Gorilla City, attending the wedding of a fellow villain or simply staying in to enjoy the annual Christmas party, the Legion has always been able to have a good time. “So, you’re saying that the Legion isn’t just our fellow colleagues and friends but our family as well?” At her simple nod, he adds with a trace of disbelief, “Huh, that really makes me want to go out and socialize more.” 

Giganta gives him a slight shove that nearly topples him from his chair. She chuckles at the intimidating gaze that she knows that he’s trying to shoot her through his lenses. 

“You know, you should really work out more,” he grumbles sarcastically as he rights himself. Once settled, he asks, “So, do we share this warm and fuzzy revelation with the others?” 

“Not unless you want me to grow and step on you,” she warns with a glint in her eyes. 

Black Manta promptly proceeds to reach into the box and pull out some more movies. “And now the moment’s gone. Here,” he hands her a stack to go through, “help me find something to watch besides Bizarro and Grundy having their annual showdown of charades.” 

“How did Bizarro even win last year with Dr. Zhivago?” she shakes her head in bewilderment. “How do you even mime that?” 

“You should have held off on powdering your nose to see it.” He hums softly at the memory. “It was truly brilliant, unlike our two competitors. Speaking of which, here they come now.” 

“Ho, ho, ho! Santa Grundy is here!” shouts Solomon Grundy as he and Bizarro make their way into the room with bags full of gifts. 

“Why does he like to play Santa so much?” quizzes Scarecrow. 

“It’s the bag of gifts that he carries,” answers Sinestro with slight trepidation as he sees part of the bag moving on its own accord. “It makes him feel as though he’s carrying a bag of stolen goods.” 

Captain Cold walks past everyone and quietly reminds them, “It’s time for the gifts everyone, let’s put on our best fake smiles.” 

“Alright, everyone gather round so we can get this over with!” announces Lex. Spying Grundy’s angry visage from the corner of this eye and hastily amends with a forced smile, “I mean, the Legion has been quite eager to see your gifts, Solomon!” 

Grundy grunts his acceptance and he and Bizarro set their bags down and turn to face everyone. “Grundy want to thank you all for his present.” He looks over at the oversized doghouse that now houses their local alligator. “Now that Grundy has a pet, the house will hide it from all prey and the Super Friends.” He pats Bizzaro on the back. “Bizarro is going to help me camouflage it and write the gator’s name on it.” 

Toyman pipes up, “Out of curiosity, what did you name the gator?” 

Grundy graces him with a look of disdain, as though he was having a conversation with a complete idiot. “His name is Gator. Duh.” 

Once he turns away, Toyman whispers to Riddler, “What good is camouflaging it if he’s going to write his name on it?” 

“I don’t know,” responds Riddler with a shrewd expression. “Do you want to ask him?” 

Knowing Grundy’s dislike of explanations, Toyman scowls and offers a firm, “No.” 

They both turn back to find Grundy standing before them. “What are you two talking about?” 

“Nothing!” they assure him jointly with overly bright smiles. 

“Good, because I have something for you, Riddler,” he announces as he steps closer. 

Riddler’s smile immediately drops at his declaration but he manages to choke out a response. “What…what is it, Grundy?” 

“I have a riddle for you,” he proclaims with a wide grin. “I made it up myself.” 

Riddler’s shoulders slump in relief. “Oh…well…I love a good riddle! Go ahead then.” 

Grundy’s voice booms through the Hall. “Knock, knock.” 

“Who’s there?” questions Riddler. Grundy remains silent while the Riddler clears his throat and then tries again. “Who’s there?” When Grundy refuses to answer, the Riddler loses his temper. “I said, **_who’s there?_** You big dumb brute, even a child knows how this joke works! **Who is there?”**

Grundy’s mouth twists into a snarl as he replies, “Solomon Grundy is here, fool! Can’t you see with your own two eyes?” 

“That’s it?” demands Riddler. “That’s the entire riddle? There’s no punchline?” 

Grundy raises his fist while he lifts Riddler into the air when he grabs the front of his costume. “That was your Christmas gift, Riddler and Grundy worked hard on that riddle! You don’t think it’s any good?” 

Wide-eyed, Riddler seeks to appease him. “No, I don’t, Solomon. I don’t think that it’s good at all, I think it’s fantastic! It’s the best riddle that I’ve ever heard!” 

Grundy drops him back onto the ground with a hard thud. “That’s what I thought.” He reaches down and picks up the bag to place it on the meeting table. “Grundy also worked hard on everyone’s gifts,” his gaze blazes with warning, “so everybody better like them!” He points at everybody and orders, “Everyone line up here to get your gift!” 

“Am I the only one feeling that I’m lining up for the firing squad?” whispers Cheetah to Giganta who gives a quick nod as both women ensure that they’re last in line. 

He gestures to Toyman to step forward and claim his prize. With a deep breath, Toyman approaches while Riddler taunts, “Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, please don’t make this Jack sick!” 

“Shut up, Ed!” hisses Toyman as he reaches for the box that Grundy gives him and opens it to reveal a rat skeleton. 

When Toyman stares blankly at Grundy, he informs the confused man, “It’s a puzzle. Next!” 

He gestures to the android to come over. “There’s a skeleton for you too,” he promises Brainiac as he drags it out of the old cloth sack, “but it’s human. Grundy saw one once in a science lab that we broke into when we needed equipment. You seemed to like it.” 

“Thank you, Grundy. This is most considerate.” Brainiac gives a curt nod of acknowledgement to Grundy who is beaming ear to ear. 

“Is it me or did Brainiac’s eyes just light up?” questions Black Manta in a hushed tone before being the next one to be called over. 

“Grundy found something special for you, Manta, since you like the sea,” he declares proudly as he lifts a large conch shell up into the air. 

_Well, that’s not so bad,_ perceives Black Manta with a feeling of relief. 

Solomon proceeds to slam it into the side of Black Manta’s helmet, the clanging repeatedly echoing inside of the helmet. “See? It makes a noise when you press it to the side of your head.” 

Black Manta clutches his head and waves his thanks as he stumbles away leaving Scarecrow to take his place. “Be afraid, be very afraid…” trails off Captain Cold as Scarecrow sneers in his direction. 

“Scarecrows always look lonely to Grundy so now you have a pet,” he states firmly as he reaches back inside the bag. 

_Please don’t be a rat, please don’t be a rat,_ begs Scarecrow silently as he holds his hand out for the smaller sack that Grundy’s withdrawn from the larger one. He barely opens it to peek inside just to have a crow fly out straight into his face before taking off to land in one of the dead trees standing in the corner of the room. 

Scarecrow looks up at Grundy who sagely advises, “You better catch him before Gator eats him.” Scarecrow merely nods once before Captain Cold steps up in the line. 

The Captain bears a nervous smile as he approaches Grundy. “So, pal, what do you have for me?” 

Grundy’s grin is almost as fearsome as well, Grundy himself. “Grundy worked especially hard on yours, Captain Cold. Since you like to have parties with your Rogues Gallery friends, Grundy found something you can use to celebrate with.” 

Len opens up the warped and beaten box to reveal what appears to be a set of drinking glasses. “Hey, thanks, Grundy,” he breathes out in relief upon realizing that it’s not something that he’s going to have to lay to rest. He peers closer into the box and removes one of the glasses. “That’s an interesting design. Are these the new Star Trek glasses that I’ve heard about, maybe Klingon? Some of my friends are science fiction buffs, they’re going to get such a kick out of these when they see them!” 

“Those,” discloses Sinestro with a great amount of glee, “are not of Klingon design.” 

“No?” he questions as he continues to scrutinize the glass. “Then what is it?” 

“It’s the symbol for Hazardous Materials,” shares Lex. I should know, I’ve seen enough of them in my time.” 

Upon further examination, Len begins to notice the various glasses where the Hazardous Materials symbol is more intact with its distinct warning and few cups that are labeled for drug testing. 

“Oh, look,” remarks Scarecrow as he points out one of the glasses. “It’s a mayonnaise jar with the mayonnaise still in it.” He turns to the Captain with a chuckle. “Now you can make some dip to have snacks with your friends.” 

“You’ll be the first one that I invite over, Scarecrow,” vows Captain Cold as he curls up his fist. “Keep it up and I’ll be stuffing something else into you besides straw!” 

Scarecrow beats a hasty retreat behind Toyman. “And here I thought it was Cheetah who was the only one who could pull her claws out.” 

Sinestro’s smirk quickly falls away as Grundy pokes him and announces, “It’s your turn.” He bears an angry pout as he watches Grundy root through his sack. He can hear the clink of glass but is unable to see what the behemoth has taken out until he turns to face him. 

Horrified, Sinestro gulps loudly and chokes out, “What is that?” 

Grundy holds up a 12 pack of Coca-Cola glass bottles that are all knocking against each other in the crumpled cardboard carrier. “Surprise! Grundy knows how you like sweets.” He shoves the 12 pack into Sinestro’s chest. “Here!” 

Sinestro immediately uses his ring to create a pair or tongs to hold his gift far away from him and pasting on a smile while Grundy returns to hunt the next gift in his sack. “Have you ever seen anything so disgusting in your life?” grumbles Sinestro. 

“Maybe it’s a limited edition for the holidays,” chimes in Black Manta. 

“What are you, shell-shocked?” he demands as he rings up a giant conch shell to chase Black Manta away from him. “Grundy, you imbecile,” mutters the rogue Lantern under his breath as he stalks off, “even in Qward, it’s not yellow!” 

Gorilla Grodd blithely takes the Sinestro’s place in line and holds out his hand, his expression radiating boredom. “Go ahead.” 

“Grundy likes to see that enthusiasm!” His gaze travels to the others. “Grodd knows how to be grateful!” 

Giganta whispers to Cheetah, “That’s only because he hasn’t seen it yet,” as Cheetah grimaces with a nod. 

“Grundy knows Grodd is cultured like him and is giving him a gift to show that.” At this declaration, Grodd’s nostrils flare as he huffs and eyes the ceiling while the others try their best to stifle their laughter. 

When a damp item is placed in his hand, Grodd looks down and asks, “What is this?” 

“It’s a book made by your people,” Grundy declares proudly with his crooked grin. 

Grodd takes a moment to stare down at the sodden Curious George book before replying coolly, “Oh, no, Grundy, I can assure you that this book was written by a much lower form of ape.” 

Lex pats Grodd on the back in shared sympathy as he moves off to allow Lex to receive his gift. As Grundy approaches him, Lex’s mind spirals through dozens of gift scenarios while Grundy simply stands before him and remains silent. _What’s up with that freakish stare? Is this my present? God, I hope so._

Grundy finally speaks and says, “Grundy thought long and hard about your gift, Luthor.” 

“So, about five minutes then?” inquires Lex with a smirk. 

“Almost,” affirms Grundy as he withdraws a rusted box with a loose handle and holds it out to Lex who grudgingly accepts it. 

“Thank you,” he acknowledges with a sneer of disgust. He’s never been as glad as now that he’s a scientist as he always wears gloves. “What is it?” 

Grundy nearly rips the lid off the hinges as he reveals, “It’s a disguise kit! Now when you lose to Superman and run away and hide, he won’t recognize you.” 

Lex peers down into the box to see several cracked bald caps, faded purple shirts and torn and frayed green pants. 

“Congratulations, Lex! Superman will never know that it’s _not_ you!” whispers Scarecrow with a delighted chuckle. 

“Why are you so crabby tonight, Jonathan?” demands Lex irritably. “Out of all of us, you’ve received the best gift so far!” 

“Have I really, Lex?” hisses Scarecrow scornfully. “Because if you’ll recall, unlike the rest of you, I have to keep my gift alive!” 

“Grundy is also giving you an antique gold pocket watch.” Lex’s eyes alight with interest. “Gator ate it for breakfast so you’ll have to be patient.” 

“I look forward to it, immensely,” Lex replies smoothly with a roll of his eyes once he’s turned away. _Leave it to Grundy to bring new meaning to a crap gift._ He turns to the women with a commiserating sigh. “Ladies, it’s time to face the music.” 

“Yes, we know, we can hear the death knell,” acknowledges Giganta with a flat tone. She looks over Lex’s shoulder and requests, “You can quit playing ‘Taps’ now, Sinestro.” 

“Are you sure?” he questions as the bugle he created begins to fade away. “After all, it is your funeral.” 

Grundy steps forward and asks, “Are you ready for your present?” After a quick nod, the women watch as he whispers to Bizarro who immediately flies out of the room. Grinning at them, he promises, “He’ll be right back with your gift.” With a gracious smile aimed at Grundy, Cheetah and Giganta waited patiently in silence. They were used to being disappointed by men. 

Bizarro quickly returns with an old wooden chest that has bits of sludge clinging to it and promptly places it before the ladies while flashing them an excited smile. “Grundy came to Bizarro for advice on women, to help him find something that you’d like but me said men on my world are just as confused by women as Earth men so me go to Luthor, who is the smartest one here. Luthor told me that women only have two criteria for gifts, shiny and expensive.” The women in question cast side glances to Lex who merely offers an arrogant smirk. “Then me went and used my x-ray vision and found this chest at bottom of swamp.” 

Cheetah swivels furiously to face Lex and growls, “So help me, Luthor, if there’s any form of human remains attached to jewelry, the Super Friends will be the least of your problems!” 

Giganta and Cheetah stare morosely at the trunk. “Oh, no!” notes Giganta in mock anguish, “The lock’s rusted shut, we can’t open it! What a pity.” Her expression is distraught as she lets out a sigh. “Oh, well.” 

“From what you told me earlier, I would have thought that you could’ve acted better than that,” whispers Black Manta in Giganta’s ear, backing off when she shoos him away. 

“I can fix that,” announces Grundy as his fist comes down in a loud thud splintering the lock right off the chest. 

The women, along with the rest of the Legion, stare incredulously as they watch a waterfall of gold doubloons spill from the chest and out onto the floor. 

Lex is the first to react and readily kneels down to inspect a coin. “I don’t believe this. There must be a hundred thousand dollars’ worth of gold here.” He angrily tosses it back into the pile before rising to face Grundy. “Why did they receive gifts of such value while the rest of received such…such…” he trails off, too furious to speak. 

“Such what?” growls Grundy while cracking his knuckles. 

Lex forces himself to hold his tongue and grits out, “Nothing.” 

Grundy grunts as his gaze slides over Lex, Riddler and Toyman. “There sure is a lot of _nothing_ going on tonight.” 

_Yes_ , sulks Lex, _and we’re on the receiving end of it_. His sullen expression immediately contorts into one of fury when he hears a nearby _click_ emitting from Brainiac. “Get away from me, Brainiac, and stop taking pictures of this fiasco!” 

Undeterred, Brainiac takes his place alongside his comrade and opines, “Tough room.” He examines the chest and observes, “I could melt down the gold, it would make excellent conductors for my experiments.” 

“I wouldn’t advise it,” he counsels the android. “Not if you want to keep your ball bearings intact.” Lex calls his attention to Cheetah and Giganta stand guard alongside their chest while they sift handfuls of gold through their fingers. “Or at least be quick about it while they’re in a good mood.” 

Cheetah suddenly reaches over and plucks a doubloon from Sinestro’s hand. “I’ll be taking that, thank you.” She jumps up to throw her arms around Grundy’s neck to give a kiss on the cheek as he edges closer to them. “And you’ll be taking this!” _Peck, peck, peck!_

“Yes, thank you, Solomon.” Giganta grows a few inches to kiss his other cheek. “This was very sweet of you.” 

“Are you seeing what I’m seeing?” gripes Toyman to Black Manta. “I practically gave that woman a piece of my soul and he’s reaping all of the benefits!” 

Black Manta turns and places both of his hands on Toyman’s shoulders and gives him a slight shake. “Jack, you gave her a childhood memory, Grundy gave her a treasure chest full of money. Do you see where I’m going with this?” 

“No, not really,” he dismisses off-handedly. “Can you believe her nerve?” 

Black Manta sighs heavily inside his helmet. “Why don’t we sit down and have a little talk about women?” 

Toyman laughs incessantly before managing to compose himself. “David, why would I go to you for advice on women? At least Riddler has a girlfriend.” 

“And she’s obviously the dominant one in the relationship. Is that what you want, to be crushed under Cheetah’s heel?” he asks exasperatedly. Watching as Toyman’s bland expression morphs into a lecherous leer, Black Manta merely shakes his head and mutters, “Never mind.” 

Brainiac inquires, “What about Bizarro? He still hasn’t received his gift.” 

“That am okay,” declares Bizarro with a slight pout. “Your gifts am all so beautiful, me could never hope to get something so nice.” 

“Don’t feel bad, pal. You can share in our gifts,” offers Riddler. “In fact, you can have all of our gifts, right fellas?” 

Hearty cheers of agreement abound all around until Grundy says, “No need for that, Grundy wouldn’t forget his best friend.” Groans echo throughout the room. “Enough, you all had your turn!” As the bag begins to thrash from side to side, Bizarro’s eyes shine with excitement as Grundy instructs, “Open your gift!” 

Bizarro stretches the sack wide to reveal a Cottonmouth snake, coiled and ready to strike. Uselessly attempting to sink his fangs into Bizarro’s hand as he lifts the snake into the air, the snake’s shock is reflected in his bulging eyes as Bizarro cuddles it to his chest and gushes, “Snake! Me have my own pet!” He holds it up in the air and watches in fascination while it slithers down his arm and curls around it like a vine, hissing the entire time. “You am so playful. He is so imperfect, me so ungrateful, Grundy. Thank you.” 

Grundy nods with a smug grin. “Grundy wasn’t sure what to get Bizarro so I asked Giganta and Cheetah. They told me all men love something sinful and curvaceous.” 

When Bizarro stretches his arm out to display the snake to Sinestro, the snake lunges at the Qwardian. “You repugnant reptile, this should take care of you!” fumes Sinestro as he uses his power ring to fling the snake to Gator’s current residence. Laughing insidiously as he watches Bizarro cry, “Snake!” and superspeed to the creature’s rescue as Gator snaps at him, he muses to the others, “Well, I guess it is better to give than to receive!” 

Returning to the others with murder in his eye, Bizarro heads straight for Sinestro when Toyman intercedes on his behalf. “Now, now, Bizarro, don’t be so upset, he was only joking.” He then pulls out a toy mouse and hands it to Bizarro in hopes of mollifying him. “Here’s a toy for your new pet to keep him entertained and you can even set it at high speed so that he won’t accidentally swallow it and choke.” 

“Thank you, Toyman,” grunts Bizarro as he aims a death glare straight at an unrepentant Sinestro. 

Wanting to continue with a peaceful evening, Toyman inquires, “What are you naming the little fellow, anyway?” 

Bizarro’s countenance breaks out into one of contempt. “His name obviously Snake. Duh.” 

Jack’s shoulder’s slump in defeat. _Why do I bother?_

Lex notes to Brainiac, “I’d keep Pavlov hidden from that creature if I were you. Toyman called it correctly for once, snakes love to eat mice.” 

The android hums in consideration. “I will erect a forcefield around Pavlov’s cage immediately after the party.” 

Lex’s interest fades from their current conversation as he watches Grundy start passing out cups of punch to each member, thus signaling the traditional Christmas party speech. For a revived corpse, he has a flicker of life in his eyes tonight and a crooked smile that exudes a warmth that most living men don’t often display. His laughter is less harsh and even his entire appearance somehow seems gentler. Lex doesn’t know how but he believes that somehow, in some way, Solomon Grundy has managed to recapture a bit of his lost humanity. His eyes narrow as he notices several doubloons falling out of Grundy’s pocket, obviously pilfered from Giganta and Cheetah’s gift chest. _Hmmmph! Or at least he’s found his greed._

Bizarro clears his throat and announces, “Luthor no making speech this year, Grundy will give speech!” 

Lex’s eyebrows rise in mild surprise. “This should be interesting. Brainiac \- ” 

Brainiac promptly cuts him off. “I have already switched to audio, Luthor.” 

Grundy shouts out, “Everybody stop talking, Grundy talking now!” The room instantly falls silent. “This year Grundy host the Christmas party and did a good job. Grundy’s not dumb, Super Friends are dumb! When Grundy was a man there was loneliness…then darkness…then Grundy. Then Grundy joined Legion and loneliness was gone. Grundy has friends now and likes them until they make him mad and want to smash them into ground.” Everyone who is standing up front takes a giant step back. “But Grundy doesn’t do that because he would miss his friends…even Manta.” The others’ gazes slide over to Black Manta who throws his arms out to his sides as if to ask, ‘What does that mean?’ “Grundy glad he can tolerate Legion so friends don’t have to die. Merry Christmas!” The room remains silent. “That’s all.” 

The Legion offers tight smiles and clap politely as Grundy beams in pleasure. Lex runs his hand down his face and mutters, “Well, that was horrible.” 

“Yes, that was quite a spectacle,” notes Brainiac. “As per your Terran Christmas traditions, should we go and congratulate him with false cheer followed by an embrace?” 

“I’ll pass, thanks, but you go ahead and enjoy our holiday social mores,” dismisses Lex with a wave of his hand. Lex drops into the nearest chair and reaches over and dumps his punch back into the bowl. _I’m not drinking to that._ He releases a bark of laughter when he hears Grundy’s yelp of pain from Brainiac’s crushing hug and rolls his eyes while Bizarro directs a burst of heat vision towards Sinestro who easily deflects it by conjuring a giant candle with a wick that readily absorbs the blast. Another laugh escapes him as he watches Grodd plant his palm over Toyman’s face to push him away from the women as Toyman squirms helplessly in his grasp while clutching his bunch of mistletoe. _Look at who I’m spending Christmas again with this year. Sigh. It’s hard to believe that I still prefer to be on Santa’s naughty list._ His gaze travels around the room and he sees Gator performing certain movements. _Oh good, it looks like my pocket watch will be arriving any time now._ He drops his head into his hand and idly picks up the red Kryptonite that he left on the table. He slowly rotates it while scrutinizing the meteorite while simultaneously devising techniques for a much more thorough examination. A smile of pure evil begins to spread across his features and it is only then that he feels his mood lift into a cheerful one. _Hmmm, I wonder where Superman is right now? It seems that I finally have something to stuff in his stocking._

__

**The End**


End file.
